Liking things on instagram isn’t a matter of like or dislike. It’s a matter of “should I feed this person’s ego or not?”

I’d wake knowing I was good-looking motherfucker every morning if I was Dorian Gray.

Let the worst 3 days of the semester commence…

So-Cal,

You’re so naughty when you get cold. You make my pili muscles erect.

The sky’s all like, “Ok, torrential downpour in 3…2…Have fun with that walk to LA-1!”

Part One of Polari thesis done…Now about that other thesis…

*gulp

When there’s no news to report on, I’m about as useless as a condom at a frat party.

I can’t get excited about Iron Man 3 because every time I hear “The Mandarin” I just think of little peeled oranges in a can.

Whoever said “romance is dead” obviously didn’t have a Snapchat.